Wednesday, May 22, 2013
I said I was going to try and update my blog frequently, but as usual, life has happened. In January (technically February-January 31st) I lost my grandma. I didn't "lose" her, but she passed away. She was 95 years old, and of course, I miss her, but she lived a long, happy life. Then, cancer reared its ugly head in my life. I call her my Aunt Pat, but she's not TECHNICALLY my aunt, as in she's not my mom's sister. They've been best friends since they were in 5th grade, and Pat-o has been in my life, well, my entire life. She was my mom's babysitter when mom went away with my stepdad for the weekend. Pat was who I called when I went through my dramatic "I want to run away from home" phase, and she came and picked me up for a girl's night out. Pat fixed my hair on my wedding day. Pat sat at the hospital with Scott and my mom the entire time I was in labor with Hunter (16 1/2 hours, but I wasn't at the hospital for maybe 3 hours of that time). She fed me ice chips and kept me occupied when Hunter was born and wasn't doing well. We had a Black Friday tradition where we went shopping: Pat, my mom, my sister and myself. Pat has always been in my life, and she's one of the most special and important people to me. There are no words to describe how much I love her-they wouldn't do justice. Cancer is yanking Pat from our lives. From her husband and son's life, from her mom's life, from her brother's life, from her niece and nephew's life, and from my mom's life. Pat is my mom's absolute best friend. She's being torn from our lives, too soon. None of us could imagine that something like this would happen-and in such a short time. We're trying to imagine life without her: without her smile, her laugh, her hugs, and for me, hearing, "Love you, baby," even though I'm 33 years old. I know she'll be in Heaven, rejoicing that she will no longer have pain (biggest cliche). I know that Earth is not our "true" home, and these are not our "true" bodies. I know God probably has some sort of plan from all this, although in my state of shock and hurting, I'm failing to see the good in this. But my thing is, we wanted more time with her. We don't want to have to say goodbye to this special person who should still have half her life in front of her. Maybe that makes me a selfish person, but I don't want to rejoice that she will soon be with Jesus in Heaven, because even though Heaven is an awesome place, we all want her here for many more years. But, we don't have many more years. We might have a few days, or a week, if we're lucky. And those last moments with her are spent seeing her wasting away, and writhing in pain. It's awful to watch, and even worse knowing she's spending her last days on Earth in this misery. It's a hard pill to swallow. I'm slowly working through the pain, but the cliche remarks people say trying to be helpful, well, aren't. I know people feel awkward and don't know what to say, so I'm not bashing anyone. I'm just saying, we'd love to rejoice that she'll be with Jesus, no longer in pain, but we're too busy working through the pain of knowing that soon, we'll never be able to talk to her, to hug her, to text her that we love her, or to see her. And I hope that, in posting this random, rambling blog post, people understand that everyone processes death differently, and not everyone is "ok" with losing someone because they are in Heaven with Jesus. It still hurts. A lot. So here is my tribute to my "Aunt" Pat. Patty. Pat-o, as I call her. I love you so very extremely much, more than I could put into words. You've been such an important part of my life, for my entire life, and for that, I'm so ever thankful, because even if it wasn't enough time, I wouldn't give up any of the time I had with you.