Sunday, August 22, 2010

Pity Party, and ode to Sarah

This is my pity party, because it's my blog and I can whine if I want to.

I find it hard to make/keep any close friends. It makes me feel like a loser. It's *always* me who has to pick up the phone to call. People don't typically call me to check and see how I'm doing, if I'm still alive, etc. It makes me sad, because after a while I feel like I'm harassing them. I always thought I was pretty fun in a social setting. I'm shy sometimes. Other times I talk a lot. I have ADD, so I tend to be socially awkward, but I don't want to put myself out there any more, because I usually wind up getting hurt in the long run. The *one* person in my life who knew the phone worked both ways, well, she's living in another country, going to vet school, and more than likely she's never going to live here again. Sometimes the kids and the husband just don't cut it, KWIM? But socially awkward me only manages to go out with friends every 2-3 months, and it's usually *me* who has to instigate anything. Sorry if anyone is pissed from this post, but I'm really, really sad right now, because I'm realizing that, in general, I'm merely an acquaintance to most people I know.

I miss my BFF. She's the one person who loves me and accepts me, with my socially awkward personality, negativity and all. Sarah, thank you for being my best friend through thick and thin, through good times and bad, through all my mental times, through my pregnancies, my childbirths, hormones and all. Thank you for listening to my crying through all my teenage drama, for being in my wedding (and helping me plan through the madness), and being an aunt to my children. I <3 you, dear, and I miss you so terribly.


amy said...

Sorry you are feeling that way. Honestly, I can relate at times. Being a pastor's wife I have to put my heart on the and it gets hurt-often! At times I feel like I have a lot of friends and then at other times I feel like noone cares. I also can't share my deepest truths with anyone due to being in the ministry. I have to be guarded. Some of the people who I have trusted in my past have turned on me. And, I feel at times that I just will not do it again. I will just stay in my house. But, I am not made that way...satan knows our insecurities and doubts and fears...don't let this bring you down girl! I think you are a great friend and person and coworker.

Amanda said...

Thank you, Amy, for your insightful response. I truly think Satan knows how insecure I am, and uses that to his advantage. I'm a social person, and, well, it just sucks not having anyone to socialize with. Plus, my best friend of 18 years is in another country, and she's the one I always turned to in times like this, but she's in Africa right now so I can't pick up the phone and call her. It makes me feel incredibly lonely to see people around me having a social life. But I need to remember what I have, and be thankful for it! I appreciate your kind comments!

SarahRachel said...

HUGS!!!! I love what Amy said. How true that we have all been afraid to be "real" I have definitely gone through stages where I feel the exact same way! Especially right after I have a baby and the idea of ME picking up the phone is just too exhausting to consider and eventually the phone stops ringing with invitations. Alan always says that I'm the worst pursuer of friends and always am the pursuee. It's true. Please know that I love you and want to be there for you!! <3

Amanda said...

Sarah, your comment almost made me cry! You guys don't realize how much I appreciate what you said- it's something I needed to hear :) You guys are amazing and I feel blessed to have people like you in my life <3